ASL translator accused of gang activity

CJ Fritz, Soggy Toast

The National Muffin Tin Enthusiasts Convention got off to a rocky start when the organizing committee of the convention was embroiled in controversy.

The convention, hosted in Bemidji, Minnesota, decided this year that they wanted to make muffin tins more accessible to all enthusiasts. The organizing committee decided to bring in an American Sign Language translator to make the month-long convention more inclusive.

Unfortunately, the organizing committee, led by McKaeleigh Swarnston, failed to warn the attendees about the presence of ASL translators, which caused a mass panic at the convention.

Concerned tin enthusiast Laynee Beechers made the initial 9-1-1 call after seeing the ASL translator. “I was watching the presentation on how to properly grease a tin when I saw a young woman moving her hands in a peculiar fashion,” said Beechers. “There was something sinister about those signs, and I realized they had to be gang-related.”

Daniel Anchorage was seated close to the stage during the muffin plastic wrapping best practices presentation and watched on in horror as the ASL translator, now identified as Suzie Howson, summoned her gang. Anchorage then bull-rushed Howson and was applauded for his heroics in stopping an outbreak of gang activity at the convention.

Howson, now recovering in hospital, was bewildered. “I mean, one second I was signing about letting muffins cool before you wrap them and the next thing I knew, this man was sprinting at me yelling that I was a mercenary for the Bloods.”

Swarnston, the head organizer for the convention, made a public statement to reporters in front of the hospital. “We are terribly sorry for how we have tainted Bemidji today,” said Swarnton. “We apologize to all of the aging attendees of this convention for the horrible trauma which Ms. Howson inflicted upon them. We should have known that any change would frighten these poor souls and we will ban ASL from this convention.”