New couple not as cute as they think

CJ Fritz, Inventor of the Toe Ring

New couple on campus Gus and Tammy have taken Whitman by storm…or so they thought. The couple took up together while they were both being treated for strep throat at the health center last week.

A new survey taken of literally everyone shows that 99% of Whitman students don’t think Gus and Tammy – or Gummy, as they refer to themselves – are even that cute. The 1% of voters who believe Gummy is cute were Gus, Tammy, and that one guy who brushes his teeth after lunch.

Lindsay Rodgers, a Whitman student with eyes, says that “Couples are cute. I like romance. But when they stare at each other unblinking for hours in Cleveland and chew on each other’s hair I get sick to my stomach.”

Dean of Students Jazi Kashewa has also taken notice of Gummy’s romance. Kashewa says that “At Whitman, we aim to create an inclusive environment for all expressions of love and sexuality. But those two…dear Jesus, it’s so fucked up.”

When asked why they responded negatively on the survey, students overwhelmingly cited the couple’s hyena-like cackling, the fact that they “hold feet” by intertwining their toes together, and that they listen to Mumford & Sons as the main reasons for their distaste toward Gummy.

When Gummy was approached for comment, in typical annoying-as-shit fashion, they requested an opportunity to drool into each other’s mouths before commenting. After being forced to watch the exchange and hurling up everything I had eaten for the past 48 hours, Gummy said that they “don’t pay attention to surveys like this. Everyone is just jealous of what we have…which is NOT gonorrhea, despite the rumors.”

The health center declined to comment on the gonorrhea rumors, which I assume means they are true.

According to Gummy, their love transcends others’ opinions, which would have been a compelling point had they not been simultaneously pleasuring each other with wet willies.