The Oracle Speaks

Maddie Ott, Flavor Scientist at Dorito Labs

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As one does, I was having a nice stroll across Ankeny, basking in the fresh 45-degree weather, and listening to trap music on my headphones. I felt confident good, the wind blew my hair in such a way that I felt like a singer onstage or like a wild horse racing across the open West. However, as I was in the midst of romanticizing my stroll across campus I came upon a piece of loose leaf paper that helped to clear a few things up, it read: 

Dear Diary,

I love it here on campus! I have learned that the quickest way to a girl’s heart is literally just growing out my curly, black hair and never showering. Once my hair mission is completed I can move on to phase II: lacking emotions! I am super excited to tell my friends and family all about my success here on campus, I am sure they will be so proud of my new addiction to nicotine and my hickey art. God, I love it here! I am practically a young god. Nah! Maybe a Demigod! With my winking, my smiling and my making, honestly, pretty mediocre jokes, I can swoon the hearts of literally anyone. Oh man, dairy, you should have seen what happened the night I wore a bandana out on my head… the sexual tension is palpable.

Lots of love,

Your local white boy with black curly hair.

If you feel defensive after reading this, cut your gosh darn hair…