The TKE house at Whitman College faces a test to its fraternity that threatens to bring the entire brotherhood crumbling down. It’s not just that women, queer and trans people, people of color, and people from working-class families are endangered by or excluded from TKE.

The test that TKE faces comes from a select few progressive demigods within the fraternity who are committed to making sure our frat only violates some, not all, human rights.

I am not some feminist liberal. I rip the bong. I shotgun hella brews. Yet despite my commitment to getting shitfaced with other straight white men, I also recognize that TKE may not be as chill as some of my brothers think it is.

Last spring, I successfully spearheaded a movement within TKE to prevent our “Thugs n’ Sluts” party from happening. I worked tirelessly, and in the end was able to have the party theme changed to “Gangstaz n’ Hoes.”

Do you smell that? That’s the scent of progress brought about by a cognizant bro, bro.

A select few modest fradders have taken an oath to solemnly protect the Whitman community when it is convenient for us, and I must say that we are doing a truly incredible job.

When my brothers suggested that we only allow hot bitches into our parties, I ensured that the glorious TKE basement remained open even to kinda hot bitches.

To this day, kinda hot bitches remain welcome at our sweaty functions.

To my independent classmates: don’t fear. I am the dark knight you have all been waiting for, and I will dutifully fulfill my obligation to occasionally protect you from my frat.

I ask for nothing other than admiration and sex in return for my humble heroism.