Have you thought about playing the game Monopoly? I don’t mean the silly little board game that’s for children, I mean the real life, high-stakes, in-it-to-win-it Safeway Monopoly. Well, if you’re finally ready to commit to a badass grocery shopping crew, then look no further because we’re looking for a new member to join our team, the Safeway Monopoly Grocery Shoppers of Walla Walla (SMGS W^2).

Who the applicant should be: A strong, independent grocery shopper who only buys items from Safeway and has an expendable budget for groceries. Must frequent the store a minimum of three times per week and is excited to buy. Should have good close-up vision so as to not incorrectly assign or throw away a valuable ticket. Willingness to be aggressive in asking other people for their tickets, and be a good ticket seeker to find potentially left behind tickets. Ability to chat up the grocer in the hopes of receiving extra tickets for niceness. Some other physical requirements are: a mouth full of saliva and a strong tongue to ensure a good ticket stick, and a thick skin in the event of papercuts from opening thousands upon thousands of tickets… this business can break even the best of the best. Remember, this is a group effort so you must not be a greedy little nubbin and you must be ok with sharing the prizes. And of course, a shining personality.

Preferred skills but not required: a photographic memory.

This is an unpaid position, but what you lack in money you’ll gain in friendships from the most experienced Safeway Monopoly players this world has ever seen (and if played correctly, prizes are within reach). Just remember to have fun, but if you don’t produce results, you will be finished and never play this beautiful game again.

SMGS unite!!!