Hilda,

I’m writing from a stop light. It is red, and as far as I know, that means stop. I must admit, I do not  have a license and have done very little driving in general, so this has been a very difficult road trip that I volunteered to host in a car I found with keys in the ignition outside of a Walmart. But that is beside the point. My question is, how the heck do I know if this kombucha is too old to drink. It tastes like sour beer and tea all at once and I know that it is supposed to taste like cucumber water ):  I think it went bad or someone drank it without brushing their teeth because there are little chunkies hangin’ out at the bottom. Also, the light is green so I think I’m gonna just wing it and take a left turn now.

A courageous-kombucha-complainer,

Kari

Dear Cucumber Kari,

Can I just start by saying um RELATABLE? The first time I drank kombucha I was like “?????????” I read a really interesting article recently from yumgoodtummy.net about how kombucha is made, and I found out that the main ingredient is the fermented sweat of old vegan men who believe in unicorns. Obviously, that’s why it’s considered a “superfood.” But at this point I don’t drink kombucha because my EX-friend, Brittanny, loved kombucha and I actually hate her now.

So, I’m one of those women who just doesn’t get along with other women and Brittanny was, like, my only female friend and one day I went to the yoga studio where she worked to take her class and she was wearing the EXACT same top that I was wearing and I confronted her about it and she thought that mine was cute so she went and got one and I was like, “Literally you are the WORST and you just want to be me,” and we haven’t spoken since. Like, why do girls always get so jealous of me?

Also, please write back to me regarding driving without a license–I do not have a “license” and I am confused about what you mean.

I hope that helps!

Helpful Hilda