Food Blogger Ate Nothing But Mothballs for a Year and the Results Will Shock You

Winston Weigand, Six-Figure Intern

Meet Alfredo “Freddy” Shart: a bonafried food blogger from Los Angeles who has taken the culinary world–and his local grocery store–by storm. The most courageous member of his infamous family (the Sharts, specifically Grandpa Shart, invented Lactaid® back in the 1970s), Freddy has sampled and written about hundreds of foods from dozens of different cultures. His favorite cuisine, he told us, was a benign mole taken from an unsuspecting babushka in the Krasnoyarsk Krai region of the Russian Federation.

In the winter of last year, Freddy decided to begin a new food bloggin’, toilet cloggin’ journey: a mothball-only diet. Claiming he was inspired by today’s “neo-vegans” who “eat nothing but eraser shavings and cage-free, p-orbital electrons,” Freddy insisted that mothballs were an untapped market and that he would reveal their true potential. However, many people were wary of this announcement since mothballs are generally used as pesticides and literally warn buyers that they can kill you. Freddy’s rebuttal? The common side effect of hemolytic anemia (red blood cell death) will technically lead to weight loss, so whatever, man.

Mr. Shart is survived by his sister Brie F. Shart and his two dogs, Fieri and Ramsay.