Seattle-based monopoly Amazon has slowly been phasing in new features for its loyal sheep; first we saw the drones take to the sky with our deliveries, then take over our beloved Whole Foods and now the advent of Amazon Key is upon us.

“Amazon Key?  What is that?” you might be asking yourself.  Well, gullible human, I will tell you!  Amazon Key is a new service where they allow the people delivering your orders to enter your home to drop off the delivery.  Of course, this is monumentally useful to people paranoid about their packages being stolen off their porches, but I ask, at what cost?  These people are strangers!  These people could be ex-lovers!  What if they have beef with whom they are delivering for?

The facts here overwhelmingly show that Amazon is becoming the supercorporation that we all have been taught to fear by the REAL news media (i.e. speculative science fiction movies.)  It’s evident that we must revolt against the bonds of Amazon that have snatched our earth, starting here at Whitman College.

The plan is as follows: order everything.  If Amazon receives a slew of orders, they won’t be able to handle the sheer pressure of this all.  Their robots will falter, their delivery people will cry and their corporate enslavement of this earth will cease.

This will only work if we all do this together!  If you head to Amazon, look up my name and order one thing off of my extensive wishlist.  Send it to Whitman College (addressed to me) and we will BRING. AMAZON. DOWN.