Scientists Discover that Literally No One Has Ever Bought an Album by Pitbull

Winston Weigand, Miss America Reject

The year 2017 has produced an innumerable amount of surprises, namely the sudden release of Oprah Winfrey’s new game show “Fight to the Death for a New Car” and the reveal of Jack the Ripper’s true identity (it was actually three cats stacked vertically and covered by a trenchcoat to give the illusion of a tall man). However, 2017 isn’t done shocking us yet, for researchers at Berklee College of Music have recently discovered that the world-famous rapper “Pitbull” has never sold a single album.

Pitbull, known affectionately as “Mr. Worldwide” due to his superhuman capability of teleportation, has been a household name for well over a decade. His most famous song, I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho), was even rated the most influential song of the past century and a half. But with literally no sales, many are now questioning how it’s possible that Pitbull has ten studio albums under his uncomfortably-loose belt.

The answer, says head researcher Dr. Cesar Millan, is much simpler than one would expect: Pitbull does not actually exist. Conclusively, the music artist known as Pitbull is really just a figment of our imaginations. This astonishing finding was the result of many rigorous genetic analyses, which uncovered what scientists are dubbing the DALE gene. This gene has been demonstrated to be present in the chromosomes of all human beings (and some dogs) and, when expressed, causes the brain to perceive the almighty presence known as Pitbull. As of October 2017, the research team is seeking methods of silencing the gene.