1. My abnormally large head attracts unwanted wildlife that are looking for a place to shelter their young

2. Despite my ability to chat with you, I’m actually unaware of the conversation and instead am thinking about cats in sweaters falling over

3. I will never love or respect you as much as I love and respect Jeff Probst

4. My RBF (resting bitch face) has brought me endless isolation, and with it, a great contempt for human life

5. If you raise your voice at me, I will just yell louder until the police are notified

6. My legs too closely resemble those of a chicken, so I spend most of my time outdoors running away from poorly trained dogs

7. My top ten list of favorite musical artists is just composed of nine Taylor Swifts and then a blank space … HAHAHAHAHA

8. I think I’m funny but in reality people only laugh at my jokes due to a deep and overwhelming sensation of pity