Things Your Grandma Might Say About a Bag of Coffee Beans

Winston Weigand, Humor Writer

  1. “Oh dear. This reminds me of the pouch of coins I used to carry to the market to buy milk and plague medicines.”
  2. “Are they like the Tic Tacs?”
  3. “I don’t know who that green woman on the front is, but she looks deceitful.”
  4. “Your grandparents would have loved this! They used to hit me with a sock full of frozen cattle feces when I didn’t do my chores, but coffee beans would have smelled much better.”
  5. “Is this what that Kathy Perry girl is always singing about? She has a nice voice. A pornographic one, but it’s nice.”
  6. “That’s some very peculiar looking marijuana.”
  7. “I’ve heard my neighbor grinding these up and it’s just awful. It’s so loud it causes my psoriasis to flare up. Do you want to see my sores?”
  8. “These smell like Barry Manilow himself. Bury me in them and I’ll will you my old treadmill from 1982.”
  9. “Are these for cats? Are they cat treats? Can Mrs. Tabbytha eat them? I’m going to give some to Mrs. Tabbytha.”
  10. “You know, back in my day we had to pick these beans off the plant with our bare hands if we wanted a taste … Ha, just kidding. The military used to drive around town shooting them out of cannons mounted on the back of their vehicles to celebrate winning the war. Good times.”