Have you suddenly woken up in the middle of the night naked and sweating profusely? Are you plagued by disturbing mental images of tall, pale figures? Do you experience vague and recurrent pains? If so, it is likely that you have been abducted and probed by aliens.

Recent studies show that thousands of Americans have been unexpectedly taken from their homes and then had samples of their DNA forcefully seized. Of these many cases, the majority were attributable to extraterrestrial activity, while a small portion were revealed to be a result of undergraduate researchers desperate for scientific data.

Fortunately, the law workers here at Bum & Associates are trained professionals who are ready to provide legal assistance. We have an experienced team that is dedicated exclusively to helping probed anuses, and our clients never leave dissatisfied. Sue, a 42-year-old Oregonian woman who was abducted and probed, received 16,000 galactic credits and a handful of lightsaber crystals as a part of her settlement. In her own words, “Thanks Bum & Ass., but what do these do?”

Please, if you or a loved one have been abducted and probed by aliens, call 1-888-PROBE-HELP for a free legal consultation and financial information packet.