Disney Teaches Brutal Lesson about Global Warming by Shutting Down Club Penguin

Anthony Reale, News Retorter

Illustration by Nate Raphael

The Walt Disney Media Giant announced at the end of January that the children’s gaming platform Club Penguin would be shutting down after several years of success with both children 5 to 10 years old and perverts 40 to 55 years old.

The decision came from behind closed doors very high up in the company. The Wire, after several minutes of digging, found nearly no one to talk to, except low-level employee Michael Mouse.

“Yeah, it’s a pretty goofy decision if you ask me. I know the industry, let me tell ya, so I know that this is some dumbo upstairs trying to ‘move the company in a different direction,’ Idiotic,” Mouse stated, removing his gloves to smoke a cigarette.

Despite Mouse’s outcry, the Disney Syndicate plans to go ahead with putting the penguins into the guillotine.

In an accidental seánce on the Haunted Mansion ride, The Wire found out more from Supreme Leader Walt Disney himself.

“They did what to Mickey? Christ, I thought he was the crappiest cartoon we had. All he did was whistle and sing! All the money was in that cow that got her finger stuck in the flute in that one cartoon we did. But there’s a statue of that fuck-up Mickey holding my hand. Great,” Disney grumbled.

Once we got him back on track, Disney commented on the decision.

“Truly, I’m devastated that the world hasn’t realized the danger of melting ice. It’s not that hard, you people! If you heat up the earth, the ice melts, and we all die! What a nightmare. Shutting down Club Penguin will definitely teach those bureaucratic bastards a lesson about fucking with Walter Stephanie Caramel Disney. Where are you going to have your online meetups now?” Disney said, extremely confident in how many government meetups happen on the penguin MMO.

Club Penguin is set to shut down at the end of March, much to the dismay of many players. Disney plans to off the website with a ‘Doomsday Party,’ that shows penguins drowning in the ocean in a highly-realistic looped animation.

When asked to comment on how this would affect younger players, the entire Disney Cartel let out a satisfied, “Fuck ‘em!”

Disclaimer: This is satire