In An Attempt to Smash Society’s Expectations, Men Across the Nation are Giving Birth

Winston Weigand, Slytherin Apologist

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

“Like, I feel like every year has a new energy. And I feel like this year is really about, like the year of just realizing stuff. And everyone around me, we’re all just like realizing things.”

This excerpt from a Kylie Jenner announcement video, although intricately prepared and beautifully spoken, really delivers the hard truth that self-realization is the focal point of today’s society. People are realizing things. Men, specifically, are realizing how easy childbirth really is.

Known as the BABIES campaign (which stands for Boys Are Birthing In Every State), this movement aims to shatter our culture’s expectations of masculinity. The campaign’s leader, who is lovingly referred to as “Nuts McGee,” does not like that people think that men aren’t manly enough. It is widely believed, he claims, that men couldn’t handle birthing a child. McGee was very outwardly passionate about the subject.

“I don’t have a wife, nor has a woman ever touched me, but it surely can’t be that bad. I’ve fallen crotch-first onto a very icy highway guard rail. It was made of solid steel, and I was on top of it, like six feet up, trying to find my dog, Clitter. I came down hard. I know what that kinda pain is like.”

Members of BABIES have been traveling around the United States, visiting hundreds of elementary and middle schools to spread their message. A common tactic that they utilize is to encourage schoolboys to remember the worst pain they’ve ever felt. Half of that pain, they say, is what childbirth feels like, so it’s kind of bad but not terrible. Apparently, their visits have helped to establish and maintain our youth’s manliness.

Indeed, recent social media posts have proven the campaign’s widespread effect. One man from Indiana shared his brave story in a text post on Facebook.

“I went to Starbucks today with a gallon-sized water balloon taped to my thighs. I really wanted the full experience to make sure it was as easy as I thought. People were staring at my watery baby purse, but I continued. I got in line and pulled out a thumbtack and popped the balloon really hard, as if I were a woman whose water had broken. It made a deep splooshing sound and my jeans were chafing my legs for a while, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad,” the Indiana man wrote.

The campaign’s influence was apparent in downtown Walla Walla as well. There, The Wire spoke to a man confidently carrying a BABIES Awareness sign.

“I tried to fit a whole watermelon in my mouth last week, and I couldn’t. My mouth is STILL sore. I’m starting to think this whole birthing thing was a sham all along. Women are tricky, you know.”

When asked to clarify the relevance of his story, the man seemed just as confused as our reporters, and simply shrugged.

Peculiarly, it was revealed this week that Nuts McGee has been admitted to a hospital for “acute abdominal cramps.” The cause is currently unknown, but his employer happily assured us that McGee will continue to be paid while on leave.