United States Eagerly Awaits Slaughter of Planned Parenthood


Illustration by Claire Revere

Clara Wheeler, Cardboard Boxer

Illustration by Claire Revere

With the defunding of Planned Parenthood coming closer and closer like the shark in Jaws, a lot of women across the country wait eagerly for the time that these services will cease to be affordable and available. Bottles of champagne will be opened, fireworks will go off and cherries will be popped unhindered by things like condoms.

Virginia Michaels in Pittsburg, Virginia, stated that she was especially glad to say goodbye to cheap STD and STI testing. “Now I can just blame my failing body on bad genetics, just giving me another reason to stop talking to my parents!” she exclaimed, turning away to scratch furiously in an unfortunate location. “And without the knowledge that I do have a disease, I don’t have to have that whole awkward conversation with my partner about it!” Virginia happily exchanged an amorous look with a young man wearing a t-shirt that said “Ignorance is Bliss” and headed off to the bedroom.

Shauna Condor in Seattle, Massachusetts, has been protesting the availability of free condoms for years. Condor managed to convert her whole condo complex, which voted to condemn condoms, citing that they co-damn the contamination condition. “Most condescending,” Condor complained.
From her home in Dallas, California, Abby Henderson told us about her excitement to see the end of affordable birth control that Planned Parenthood provides. “Every sexually active woman wants to have kids–I mean, why else would she be having sex?” Henderson stated, listing off the advantages of having kids on her endless amount of fingers. “It’s just like getting a dog but they live longer, there’s the post-partum depression (my personal fave), more time in the house, financial stability…” Abby went on and on, but the benefits were just too numerous and universal to list all of them here.

For those worried about how having a child might impact their professional life, Henderson believes a child will help her get the job she wants. “I’ve been applying to be a housewife for a couple of years now, but my résumé keeps getting rejected from everywhere I try.” She opened her oven door and slid a tray of buns onto the top rack, then straightened up and continued. “I’m sure that with a kid under my belt, I’ll get a position very soon, maybe even at one of those real fancy houses.”

All these women from around the country can’t be wrong! There are literally no downsides to stopping federal funding of Planned Parenthood, and now the government can spend that tax money on something more important, like hiring more qualified political candidates. So thank you, GOP, for putting the “us” in “uterus” and offering all these new prospects that shine even more dazzlingly than your smiles!