After a brutal day on the campaign trail, an utterly demoralized Mike Pence checked into his hotel room at the Des Moines La Quinta Inn. Sources can confirm that while in the midst of consuming four pints of Häagen-Dazs, the disgraced governor of Indiana realized he couldn’t remember his children’s faces. Grasping a nearby iPad with a Cookies ‘n’ Crème covered hand, the disgruntled Mike Pence Skyped his daughter Charlotte. What follows is an ill-gotten transcript of that conversation:

Michael: Hey honey, daddy’s been a little busy lately.

Charlotte: Are you gonna make America Great Again, daddy?

Mike: (inaudible sobbing)

Charlotte: Aww…Daddy, did the mean man make you cry again?

Mike: Yes, Charlotte. Yes, he did.