Bon App is sick and tired of having to buy new food all the time, said representative Flarm Jackson in an interview. “Finding new flavors of bagels gets real old real fast,” he went on. “Honestly, it was never that fun to begin with.” Students have been spotted exiting the dining halls carrying whole loaves of bread, an entire week’s worth of dinner in tupperware and a plethora of those decorative squashes to spruce up their dorm rooms.

Previously, Bon App’s defense against thefts such as that has been a weak burble of, “No, don’t. Only one piece of fruit,” and maybe waving their arms around in a distressed manner, to no avail. Now our fair dining company has taken more serious steps to reduce the disappearance of food.

“We’ve reached out to TSA for consultation,” Jackson said in a press conference. “And they’ve agreed to give us some of their brand spankin’ new detectors. These puppies can detect anything, not just metal. We have this one calibrated for wheat!” He threw cookies through the arch, setting off a screeching alarm. “’Course, what with the all the gluten-liberated people on campus,” Jackson said. “We’ll have ours set to detect salt, which is far more abundant in our dishes.”

TSA has also lent Bon App some of their sniffer dogs to help find food hidden on a student. These canines are highly trained to determine if a person has a tasty treat hidden somewhere on them, a feat which is totally a result of their rigorous training and not at all an inherent characteristic of all dogs.

To cover all their bases, Bon App has also hired a former Olive Garden hostess to keep an eye on students. Those caught with bags of bread or stacks of chocolate chip potato chip cookies in their bags will have their pictures taken to put on the restricted list and will not be allowed back into the dining hall.

With all of the old food that will now go uneaten in the dining halls, Bon App plans to have lavish and exclusive bacchanalian festivals after students have left. Those who cook food and those who glop food onto doubtful plates will lounge on couches beside each other and throw food into each other’s mouths. Students on the restricted list will be forced to clean up, gleaning their meals from whatever is dropped off the High Table.