Whitman Admissions to Accept Vinyl Collections in Lieu of SAT Scores

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer

As soon as he started looking at colleges, Tanner Ackerman knew Whitman was for him. However, after ironically quaffing one too many mang-o-ritas from a mason jar the night before, Tanner found that standardized testing did not reflect his full academic potential. In our parents’ day, Tanner would be at Linfield. Now, he lives in Tamarac.

It’s official. Whitman admissions will now consider extensive vinyl collections as an effective substitute for both the SAT and ACT. Speaking in support of the new policy, Dean of Admissions Cony Tabasco said this on Sunday:

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash
Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

“This is one of the most important achievements of the Whitman College admissions team to date. I mean, in what kind of world does a 1500 on the SAT preclude a decent education for someone who owns Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’? Anybody could see we were passing up huge amounts of potential by weighting standardized test scores so heavily. Why, it’s a god damn miracle this institution has anything decent to light doobs to these days. All you can muster sometimes is the Beastie Boys’ ‘Licensed to Ill’ or even Barry Manilow. This isn’t the Whitman I want to leave my children.  And that change starts with the admissions process.”

Cony Tabasco, Whitman College Dean of Admissions and Recent Begrudging Tribal Tramp Stamp Recipient