Vigilante Feminists Are Gone. Who Will Save Gotham Now?

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer

After collectively deciding that they were “the hero Gotham deserves but not the one it needs,” Whitman’s Vigilante Feminist group was last seen slinking away into a dark alley by the young son of Police Chief Commissioner Gordon. With Dr. Mansplain and The Gas Lighter still on the loose, this surely spells doom and adherence to patriarchal norms for the good people of Gotham City.

“I’m sure that, wherever they are, they’re still watching, waiting, a silent protector of the night, ready to swoop in and chastise backpage columnists at a moment’s notice,” Jeff Bridges said while doing an epic keg stand.

“I’m deeply saddened by the loss of this modern, dynamic, progressive group,” Margret Sanger’s ghost added. 

“Hahaha my nefarious scheme is sure to succeed now that nobody is left to slip passive-aggressive letters under the doors of first years,” Local fraternity president Darker Pawson said shortly after falling into a vat of extremely radioactive and microagressive chemicals

If you’re reading this Vigilante Feminists, hear my plea. We need you now, more than ever. Who else will make us consider the dire patriarchal implications of casually drinking beer on a porch? Who else will take it upon themselves to rebalance every inequity facing well-educated women?  Who else will put food on the table of poor, emaciated backpage writers who earn a mere twelve dollars an article? Take heart sweet Vigilante Feminists, I beg of you. Do not go gently into obscurity’s bitter embrace. Spray-paint your hockey pads obsidian, wrap your mother’s drapes around your shoulders and never capitulate to those who say you aren’t Batman.