IFC President Impeached, Campus Falls Into Moral Abyss


Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor

Seventy years ago, FDR signed executive order 9066, forcing Japanese-Americans to move into wartime internment camps. Twenty years ago, Bill Clinton accepted inter-marital fellatio inside the oval office. And just a few months ago, presidential hopeful Donald Trump called a U.S. federal judge unfit to serve because of his Mexican heritage.

Sadly, the day of political folly is once again upon us–yet another hopeful leader has flown too close to the sun, only to spiral down into the ocean of shame, despair and self-torment. This time, however, it comes with far more sinister consequences than a few Japanese people having to move homes for a little while. We like to think of the Whitman campus as an inclusive place to learn, share ideas and grow as individuals. Well, listen loud and clear, my Birkenstock wearing brothers and sisters: we have been living a lie.

By now you should have heard that our very own Icarus, former Inter-fraternity Council President and confirmed moral deviant, Lorenzo Silva, was unanimously impeached due to allegations of abusing the impartiality of his position. In a classic “Oh fuck me, did I really just do that” kind of moment, Silva accidentally sent a text meant for the TKE president to a woefully unaware group of IFC leaders outlining his attempts to use the IFC presidential post to ensure TKE hegemony within Whitman Greek life. When asked to comment, Silva could be heard yelling, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” before being gagged and carted off by IFC peace keeping troops sent to maintain order in these tumultuous times.

Yes, frat-gate is disappointing for a number of reasons. It’s a sad day when the legitimacy of such an exceptionally morally conscious, community driven and change-oriented institution such as IFC fails to protect its slew of upper class white guys. Where else but by the divine grace of IFC can we organize that one weekend where people feign love of Greek life, regulate buying kegs for Tuesday parties and collectively bargain local dealers for more reasonable weed prices?

After interviewing some fellow IFC leaders, it was clear that Lorenzo “Dilma Rouseff” Silva was indeed guilty of his crimes. After a lengthy few minutes of deliberation, and more than a few keystones, fellow greek leaders decided, “Fuck it, lets just give him the ax.” Weary from a late night of super smash brothers and drunkenly yelling, “Wake up Jewett!” from the TKE front porch, another fellow fraternity President and self-proclaimed moral arbiter of impartiality, corroborated the sentiment of his IFC brethren, before mumbling, “Welcome to the thunder-dome” to no one in particular, and whispering “IFC… IFC… IFC…” before slinking back to whence he came.

Another fraternity president added that it “really was not chill” what Lorenzo did, before leaving to go ritualistically burn a bunch of couches in Beta’s backyard, after first listening to some Creed and blow-gun hunting campus squirrels.

After such turmoil, it is difficult to predict where greek life on campus might turn–but nevertheless, have faith. In these dark times, the work of a Silva-less IFC, and the courageous spirit of the few Greek leaders who eagerly caste out Silva onto the streets of Walla Walla, might indeed bring truth, reconciliation and drunken debauchery back to our community.