Stein campaign makes big gains in latest poll

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer

According to the latest Associated Press poll, Green Party presidential candidate, Jill Stein has gained a commanding lead among likely voters in the Johnston household, with 75 percent of the family planning to support Stein come November. The figure represents a significant bump for Stein after an August poll showed her campaign in a dead heat at 50 percent among voters within the Portland, OR family.

Sources within the family attribute the bump to 20-year-old Reed College student, youngest child and rager-against-machines, Blake Johnston. According to a source within the family who spoke on condition of anonymity (but who are we kidding, it was Blake), the self-styled liberal lion successfully lobbied his father Kenneth, earning a victory for the Stein campaign within a crucial household in the battleground neighborhood of North Portland.

Blake, an avid Jill Stein supporter ever since he tearfully ripped his Bernie Sanders sticker from a Nalgene three months ago, easily convinced older brother Steve, that Stein was “the real deal, hombre,” Blake said. “All it really took was pointing Steve to a few helpful articles on and then he realized how no progressive in their right mind would ever vote for corporate sleazeball Shillary.”

Blake, who, incidentally, was just three years old during the 2000 presidential election, added, “You gotta dig for this stuff–it’s out there, but people just get caught up in the lamestream media’s biased coverage. A closer look shows that Jill Stein is not only a licensed medical doctor, but is also the kind of experienced leader we need. I mean, she’s successfully been on the ballot in multiple elections!”

After converting Steve, Blake then turned his attention to his mother Karen, a lifelong card-carrying Democrat. “Mom was being a total pain in the you-know-what. She kept insisting that she actually liked Hillary Clinton. When I asked her why, she told me that while she wishes Hillary were more vocal on issues like climate change, Clinton will advance a progressive agenda. Mom even said she thinks Hillary would be a strong leader on the world stage, and had a proven track record of lifelong government service. That’s when I knew I had to intervene,” Blake said.

“I tried reminding Mom that she was forgetting one important detail: that her personal, carefully considered political opinion about what constitutes progressivism was morally reprehensible and ignorant.” Blake also pointed out to his mother that Jill Stein is a woman, so voting for her instead of Hillary is “chill for women’s rights and stuff.” Karen Johnston, however, was steadfast in her support of Clinton, probably because she has no conscience.

Still concerned that only 50 percent of his family voting for Stein might hurt the Green Party’s chances this November, Blake spoke with his father Kenneth. During their conversation, Blake reportedly read passages from Marx, which his horribly uneducated attorney of a father had not read. The clinching moment came when his dad indicated that he would probably vote for Hillary, if only to be sure that he wouldn’t be complicit in the ascendance of Trump to the Presidency. Blake, as if possessed by some sort of (secular, of course) divine inspiration, replied, “But dad, don’t forget that voting the purity of your liberal ideals is far more important than considering the practical ramifications of electoral math.” Sources say that, faced with Blake’s uncompromising idealism, Kenneth gave in and promptly donated 10 dollars to the Stein campaign.

Blake, nestled cozily in an oasis of liberal privilege, said that he was “just happy to have changed the world.” He’s confident that Jill will make a great President when she defeats Trump in the general election. “Stein is the only candidate on the ballot talking about real issues, and with her extensive network of relationships and connections in Washington, she’ll have no trouble enacting her platform.”

National elections analysts say that with the Johnston family’s overwhelming support, Jill Stein is now a lock to earn one of Oregon’s crucial seven electoral college delegates and is likely to make a serious play for the magic number 270 come November 8. Remarked NY Times pollster Nate Cohn, “Remember, system change happens overnight–and that’s what the Johnston family shows us.”