Whitman to Accept Syrian Refugees in Order to Fulfill Diversity Quota

Ben Freedman, humor page editor

Early Wednesday morning, Dean of Admission Tony Cabasco announced that Whitman College is now accepting Syrian refugees in order to fulfill a growing need for campus diversity.

“I see it as a clear win-win situation,” said Cabasco. “On one hand, some Syrians get a great liberal arts education, and on the other, their soul crushing experiences living through a civil war will help facilitate dynamic new discussions and perspectives throughout our first year Encounters courses.”

Cabasco hopes that the enrollment of these refugees will help break the stereotype of Whitman having a largely white campus. “In the grand scheme of things, I know a few Syrians won’t fundamentally change Whitman, but damn, Kathy is gonna be pleased if we can pencil in a few goddamn war survivors into our admitted students profile, whooo man.”

Now that the admissions team has formally announced their new tactics for diversifying Whitman’s campus, the administration’s focus now shifts to figuring out the logistics of accommodating these new students. “Our work is certainly cut out for us,” noted Cabasco. “We have to revamp our orientation program to fit the new students’ needs, create additional support networks to help lessen the inevitable culture shock of coming to the United States, and figure out how the $@!! to ship our ‘Welcome to Whitman’ sweet onions into Damascus.”

Although Whitman’s bold choice appears to be paying off, the trend of recruiting an increasingly diverse incoming class is catching on. Upon hearing that Pomona is now vetting North Koreans for their class of 2021, Cabasco reportedly doubled down on his efforts and is now in talks with the State Department discussing the legality of options for next fall.