Student Hero Takes Out Recycling

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer

In what is being called by many a feat of selfless heroism, first year student Andy Johnson reportedly took out the section recycling this morning. The lionhearted triumph of the human spirit occurred when Johnson walked into the section lounge and noticing the assorted potpourri of beer cans and empty Birkenstock boxes (and was in no way prompted by his RA’s insistence that it was “his turn”). Johnson, summoning all of the fortitude and strength that the somewhat hungover Adonis could muster, carried the recycling to the basement receptacle.

According to witnesses, Johnson even remembered to turn out the lights in the section lounge after returning from his wondrous, tour-de-force performance, all while saving a singular piece of trash that had made it into the recycling. The God Among Mere Mortals then proceeded to skewer the small piece of styrofoam he had found on a wooden stake high above Jewett Hall, on display so that “none shall ever forget what has happened in this place.”

While the Superhero typically dons no cape nor leaps buildings in a single bound, he does incessantly share climate change-themed Upworthy videos to Facebook, usually accompanied by a short analysis of his favorite John Muir quote (but who are we kidding–they’re all amazing!). Johnson is also known to stand at the end of the line at Safeway, passive-aggressively chiding those who forgot reusable bags with a well-placed little, “Well that’s certainly one way to destroy the planet on which we live…”

One awestruck floor mate told the Subtle Legacy of Colonialism, “One time I saw He Who We Must Prostrate Ourselves Before as I was walking to class, and I was immediately overcome by his glorious, awe-inspiring aura. Christ, I’m also pretty sure I saw his carbon footprint turn into a fucking tree. It was magical.”

Johnson, however, is indefatigable in his humility. When reached for comment simultaneously by the Subtle Legacy of Colonialism, the White House and the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, he dispensed but one sage piece of wisdom:

“Look, I’m not a hero. I’m just an Environmental Studies major.”