Prospie Season Has Sprung

Megumi Rierson, staff writer

With the advent of the 2016 prospie season comes an influx of bright-eyed prospective Whitman students who still live in the blissful universe of having people actually care about their ACT scores. Prospies are a godsend to this campus for myriad reasons, whether we want to admit it or not. For the administration, they are essentially just a bunch of blank checks with legs. For freshman, prospies inexplicably provide a rank lower on the social food chain from which freshman can cultivate a fleeting sense of superiority as they wait in line for Jewett lunch. For Encounters professors, they represent a new group of 400 doe-eyed students who still earnestly believe that Gandhi was a good guy. Most importantly, for The Pioneer, prospies represent a whole new generation of readers so our cult following can extend beyond parents and the ASWC president. Prospies are love, prospies are life, prospies are now. In honor of prospie season, here are a few tips and tricks you can tell the young scholars to get them informed and excited for life at Whitman.

Remind them earnestly about the diversity of thought and political discourse at Whitman. We do, after all, have a burgeoning Young Republicans club and 1600 plus students from Seattle who haven’t stopped talking about caucusing for Bernie since we got back from Spring Break.

Talk to their parents about how you’ve changed your major four times because “you’re just trying to find what makes you happy.” Johnny’s parents’ 60,000 dollar tuition check will start to feel heavier and heavier as you detail your indecision between Philosophy and the History of Rock ‘n’ Roll class that “changed your life.”

If they seem alarmed by any of the duck coitus happening around every stagnant body of water, engage them in a lively discussion about the corkscrew shape of duck genitalia and the possibility of consent in animal relationships.

Fabricate names and details about Greek Organizations because “Greek life is really different here at Whitman.” Tell prospies in detail about your experience of getting a bid from the Divestment frat when you were really rushing the More Outdoorsy Than You frat, or the long-standing feud between the Dark Brown Birkenstock and Light Brown Birkenstock sororities.

Follow tours and add your own commentary until the tour guide makes you leave. Point out the beautifully gardened spots on campus where you have vomited, unfortunately public places you have tried to make into napping spots and any other miscellaneous locations of shameful events.