The term “liberal arts” has a new meaning at Whitman after reports of campus sculptures moving about unrestrained across Ankeny Field during spring break. Although all photographs and video recordings have been destroyed by the Communications Office for “depicting an imperfect representation of our pristine environment,” eyewitness have gone on record about proceedings.

“It was crazy,” said Resident Director Lee John. “I saw the horse, ‘Twygz,’ chasing down a student and attempting to mount them, shouting something like, ‘Who’s riding who now?’”

Prospective students have also described two horned creatures, who are believed to be the Maxey statues affectionately know as ‘Mistress and Mister Demon,’ posing as tour guides.

“I should have realized something was wrong when I saw their hollow eyes looking me over as if they were trying to assess if I was wealthy, liberal and outdoorsy enough to acclimate to the Walla Walla area,” said Washington/Oregon/California native Jenn Eric. “But they were saying all the keywords I wanted to hear like ‘diversity’ and ‘accessibility’ and ‘24-hour climbing gym’ on campus, so I kept listening.”

The most widespread citation of statue activity was in regards to ‘Marcus Whitman,’ the bronze statue normally residing at the eastern-most edge of campus. Apparently upset by being placed out of sight and out of mind, Marcus was seen by dozens of community members graffiting messages such as “I’m still here!” and caricatures of his likeness onto the Memorial Building. All such images have since been replaced by more soothing options such as the clock tower or the modern “WC” logo.

After fielding multiple complaints about renegade statues, the college has since released a statement to the entire campus.

“In accordance with campus policy, we will be fielding a working group to consider whether a committee should be formed to draft a survey asking community members if they believe a committee should draft a proposal about how to address this perplexing situation,” said President Mathy Kurray in an email. “We expect the results to be returned sometime in the next year, or when student concerns have died out.”

Editor’s Note: The statues listed in this article were contacted but could not give a comment on the issue.