Following a recent uptick in student complaints, Associate Dean of Students Marbara Baxwell will administer Green Dot training to the famously horny waterfowl of Lakum Duckum. The ducks have been causing emotional trauma for passing students.

“We’ve received several requests for at least some sort of action on the part of the College administration,” Dean of Students Duli Junn said, “Some students have asked for trigger warning signs, others for the eradication of the ducks. We want to cater to these requests, but feel that the best course of action is to train the ducks in bystander intervention.”

Baxwell notes that the College feels that the alternative solutions offered by the concerned students would hurt Whitman’s carefully cultivated campus aesthetic.

“Nobody strolling our pastoral campus pathways wants to be confronted by an obnoxious ‘Beware of Duck Rape’ sign,” Baxwell said, adding, “And our alumni are really attached to the ducks, so we are going to do whatever we can to keep them.”

Baxwell would not detail exactly how she plans on training the ducks, who are likely incapable of understanding consent. However, she did mention that she purchased a curriculum specific to educating campus wildlife from Green Dot etc., the originators of the program.

“I’m confident the ducks will understand that everyone will be happier if there is mutual, enthusiastic consent. Besides, bystander intervention can be fun. I think they’ll develop a creative Green Dot culture just like our students have. Maybe we can even get them to wear our green buttons,” Baxwell said.