How To Find Love In A Hopeless Places (Whitman on Valentine’s Day)

Megumi Rierson, staff writer


Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash.

  1. Practice mating calls. At Whitman these will sound like, “I just think Bernie is the more progressive candidate” or “I could totally pull off a man bun, right?” Practice these a few times and true love will find you, guaranteed. Lay your groundwork on social media. Liking some (but not all) of their photos and posting snap stories to make you look cooler than you are is the perfect way to say, “I’m desperate and have the social graces of a fetus when faced with actual social interaction.”
  2. Dress better than you normally would. It’s important that you look at least mildly presentable when searching for a potential significant other/regrettable hook up, especially in the notoriously well-lit frat houses. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
  3. Learn to tolerate mind-numbing small talk. Flirting involves a lot of chatter about the person you’re flirting with that has nothing to do with you, so it must not be important. Persevere and practice polite nods and vague responses to their stories about their politically radical divestment sit-in or their recent change of majors from Film Studies to Philosophy.
  4. Have a few bulletproof conversation starters. These are especially helpful when you already have your eye on someone but don’t know how to start conversation. When in doubt try, “How’d you do on the Encounters essay?” or “I think I’ve seen you on a green dot poster.”
  5. Enter the dating pool with a few deal breakers in mind to thin the herd. Potential red flags include a recent conversion to Buddhism or a desire to start a home microbrewery.