Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash.

Due to the fact that Whitman College is scenically located smack-dab in the middle of God-fuck-nowhere, the students here often struggle with finding sexual partners who aren’t in long distance relationships, awkward exes, or riddled with chlamydia. The level of thirst on this campus has reached California 2015 proportions, and it seems as though there’s really nothing to be done. However, in order to counteract this problem, the students here are lucky enough to have the Student Engagement Center, a resource dedicated to helping Whitties make long-term, professional, sexual connections.

One event for which the SEC deserves particular commendation is the Whitties Helping Whitties Get Laid networking events. These nights brings together hundreds of Whitties from different backgrounds, professions, and sexual histories for a night of proficient, well-coordinated debauchery. Upon arrival, all guests are provided a nametag, as well as stickers indicating their sexual preferences. Through this genius system, you can be assured before the conversation even begins that this Whitman alumnus is at least hypothetically interested in banging you. No time wasted sharing pointless words! One student reports, “without the nametag I would have thought this guy was straight but it turns out he was TOTALLY gay. I never would have known without Whitties Helping Whitties Get Laid. Thanks guys!”

Even with this ingenious system, not all participants are as enviably lucky as this student. The SEC is aware that initiating conversation with anyone is an abominably awkward experience, and should therefore always be facilitated by the presence of alcohol. “As burgeoning adults, it’s important for students to realize that they never have to do something uncomfortable whilst sober again,” says the director of the SEC. Students rave about not only the quantity, but also the quality of alcohol that the event provided. “I mean, at Sig I’d maybe get some shitty keg beer, but this place had that plus some hella nice wine. I kept going back for more and nobody cared! I love this event.” Another reports, “After I did a double shot of Fireball with Kim Rolfe in a bathroom stall, I really feel like I developed the confidence to go talk with older hotties who I’d have normally thought were way out of my league. I can’t believe students miss this event!” SEC guru Gayle Townsend reminded us that, “regardless of whether they got any action that night, students doubtlessly made connections that will be invaluable in the future, from something as small as a drunken sext, to a serious fuck-buddy, to maybe, who knows, a real relationship.”

Ultimately, while the pool of eligible Whitman students is depressingly small, remember that your sexual horizons are about to expand exponentially. Be sure to take advantage of the services that the SEC offers in order to help make those connections right now. And don’t forget to join the SEC for their newest program, “How to Hit on People at a Formal Dinner.”