Help Birkenstock the Marginally Less Fortunate

Trevor Lewis, staff writer

Did you know that somewhere on a liberal arts college campus every day, a hipster is forced to decide between donning the footwear of his choice and purchasing yet another pair of electric blue corduroy pants? This is not the America I want to live in. We here at Whitman’s newest social activism group, “Birkenstock the Marginally Less Fortunate,” dream of a country where no one must make that choice.

Wake Up Sheeple!!! We all know that douchey twenty-somethings in Somalia or Cuba or whatever have difficulty procuring even the most basic collection of ironic beanies. However, did you realize that a mere 300 miles away. on the campus of UPS, over 20 percent of bookstore and coffee shop employees must pass off their bare feet as an attempted return to pastoral naturalism, when really they lack the means to purchase Birkenstocks? This is unacceptable and it’s about time we did something about it.

For only around 30 dollars, or maybe more, or possibly less (Chad in Accounting nobly refuses to use his math knowledge privilege to advantage himself over the arithmetically impaired), you can provide Birkenstocks for a hipster whose feet would otherwise go bare, or worse yet, in Toms. There is no excuse for the economic disparity between the upper and lower classes of the top decile of our society. Come on Whitman, lets re-distribute our absurd prosperity amongst the slightly less absurdly prosperous. We need to overcome this capitalism bullshit and get back to what’s really important; smoking American Spirits, pretending we’ve read Infinite Jest and vehemently disagreeing over whose vinyl collection is better (mine is).

Please place your donations, which may include currency (either U.S. or that funny pink money Devon came back from his snorkeling trip to Belize with), old Birkenstocks, really progressive thoughts (like Nelson Mandela world-changingly progressive, not shitty Michael Moore documentary progressive), a three hour long DVD that’s just Johnny Depp deciding what scarf to wear, longboards, those 1920’s gangster fedoras which for some reason we all wear, Frolfing “gear,” plaid in any of its glorious forms or your parents’ seething disdain in a large plastic bin near Tamarac. We’ve pointlessly covered it in rock climbing merchandise logos, Nepalese prayer flags and “coexist” bumper stickers, so it should be pretty difficult to find amongst everything else in Tamarac.

So please donate today, and help make the world slightly more equal in its inequality. We leave you with a William Faulkner nonsense quote that we memorized but don’t understand: “Memory believes before knowing remembers. Believes longer than recollects, longer than knowing even wonders.”