Ahhhhh the holidays. A time to be with family, give thanks for all the love around you, sip casually on a glass (or five) of actually decent wine courtesy of your parents and, of course, deal with droves of people aggressively asking you about your future plans. Now that you’ve just spent a week at home and have probably remembered how ungodly irritating your family can be, we thought you could use some help. So before you return for winter break and re-enter the trenches of familial interrogation, be sure to check out this list of fail safe answers that are sure to get your parents, friends and relatives off your back.

Please select one from the list below. Feel free to combine but be reasonable: You don’t want to risk more conversation by generating suspicion. We’ve also made note of who each response will be most effective.

“After college I’m…”

1.     “Digging wells in Uganda.” Honestly this is a good option for anyone.
2.     “Working for Goldman Sachs. I’m excited to sell my soul to the corporate world.” Use for that rich, conservative uncle who hates that you go to a liberal arts school.
3.     “Leading canoe trips down the Yukon River. Also hunting elk. With my bare hands.” Good for that outdoorsy family friend who’s always training for a marathon.
4.     “Placing my faith in the good Lord.” Use on that pastor who is for some reason always at dinner on Christmas Eve.
5.     “Going to grad school. At Harvard. And Yale. At the same time.” Good to use on that one friend you were really competitive with in high school and always tells you his or her GPA.
6.     “Living at home and watching Netflix in the basement.” This is a risk. Hopefully the questioner will feel so uncomfortable that they will abandon the conversation.
7.     “Making espresso and playing guitar at a local coffeehouse.” Anyone from Portland will be impressed by this.
8.     “Marrying a rich, older man who will support my fiscal and sexual needs.” Use to annoy/terrify parents into silence.
9.     “Going to cry *start crying*.” To be honest, this will shut most people up.
10.  “Traveling around Europe. I just want to experience the world.” Use on people who like to talk about multiculturalism, but will not realize that hanging at a ski resort in Switzerland does not make you worldly.
11. “Literally fuck off because I hate you.” No explanation needed. You’ll know when the time is right to use this one.