After GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson’s groundbreaking discovery that the pyramids of Giza were actually used to store grain, there has been a sudden rush of scientists and historians to determine the true purposes behind some of the world’s oldest monuments. What we thought we once knew must be tossed aside due to new, more compelling evidence.

In one of the most revolutionary developments, newly uncovered ancient documents and archaeological digs have brought to light the reason why the Great Wall of China was built. The lead investigator, Dr. Kevin, stated in an interview that “back in the day, the wind coming off the mountains was real fierce.” The Chinese built the wall in order “to keep off that nasty nip in the air.” The ability of the Qin Dynasty to stay warmer than their neighbors was a large factor in their political and social unity. The wall, over six meters long, continues to serve its purpose as a windbreaker to this day.

Stonehenge, once thought to be an atrociously built cage for a long-escaped beast, is now commonly accepted to be a part for a giant washing machine. Dr. Preston from the Worchestire Institute for Flying Objects, the one responsible for the incredible discovery, said his inspiration for the investigation came from his firm belief that, “It just looks like it should move, you know?” Overhead pictures of Stonehenge confirm that it indeed looks circular, just like the agitator of a washing machine. The other parts to the mechanism are likely scattered around England, and many of the amateur beast hunters have now turned their efforts to finding the remnants in order to return the great stone machine to its former glory.

Another great mystery uncovered this week was the reason behind the creation of the Easter Island heads. A local resident provided the explanation that the heads were designed to be the island’s first line of defense and would snap at any nearby invader. However, the scientific community rejects this legend, and after several weeks of solving a complex historical equation, a team of eight scientists came to the conclusion that the statues are the stone busts of an egotistical ruler with an enormous head.

Many thanks to groundbreaking historian-neurosurgeon-presidential candidate extraordinaire Ben Carson for challenging our world views and sparking such an innovative revolution. Producers are already calling to secure the rights to a script for another biographical film about the legend that is Ben Carson.