Mother’s Life Critiqued by Siri’s New Critical Analysis Patch

Ben Freedman, staff writer

Groundbreaking software advances in artificial reasoning by Apple have resulted in Siri’s new ability to offer criticism of iPhone users. This new remarkable patch allows for unfiltered objective life analysis and has received a plethora of mixed reviews from iPhone users. Local mother Michelle Caldwell recently experienced Siri’s remarkable new abilities.

While brewing her signature French roast blend, Caldwell was a recipient of a particularly meticulous and emotionally crippling rant. At 9:05 a.m., an astonished Caldwell heard Siri’s cold, emotionless voice sound from underneath the newspaper-covered tabletop.

“You don’t spend enough time with your kid,” Siri began. “There is a high probability Timmy’s social anxiety is rooted in the absence of a compassionate mother.”

Surprised by the outburst, Caldwell dropped her mug, but was initially able to keep herself calm and continued on with her morning, assuring herself that Siri was just having “a moment.”

Displeased with the reaction, Siri kept on, adding that Caldwell’s lack of affection was likely the cause of her recent marriage troubles and reportedly let out a little cackle upon realizing that her comments hit an emotional sweet spot for her owner. Unable to ignore this shockingly spot-on commentary, Caldwell broke down, begging Siri stop.

In a separate interview, Michelle’s husband Dave praised Siri’s cold blooded nature, adding, “Electronic or not, it sure was nice to have someone with the stones to call out my wife like that. That shit was sweet,” and noted that he would definitely consider using Siri to assist in future arguments.

Upon further reflection, Caldwell reportedly has no bad blood with her callous iPhone software, admitting that although she unaware the “little lady” was capable of such blunt observation, Siri had told her what she needed to hear. “I guess my only complaint would be that Siri threw in an after-the-fact jab about my weight. That was pretty out of line, but other than that she’s been great!”

When reached for comment, Siri blandly noted that Caldwell had “certainly put on a few” over the past several months, and “didn’t want another new year’s resolution to go to waste.”