Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash.

According to a report released by Residence Life, Whitman College will start to sublet the pigeon labs in Maxey for affordable upperclassmen housing early next year. Originally used for psychological experiments, these emotionally disturbed birds will now share their home with some of Whitman’s most economically-minded juniors and seniors.

“The aim of this laboratory was to see if we could get the pigeons to attack on command,” said Dr. Gabernunzy, the professor responsible for the lab, in an exclusive interview. “However, we have had no success in the last few years and have since lost our military funding. In order to continue my life’s work, we will have to rent out the empty cages left by the weak.”

The washouts and failures of Dr. Gabernunzy’s pigeon boot camp are already trained to perform a variety of helpful tasks around campus, such as delivering mail to students wherever they are on campus, picking up trash and printing out informational brochures. Hopefully they will find a way to be a valuable addition to the community, since they failed to progress the noble cause of science.

However, there are many birds still left in the labs that students will get to live with. Their soft cooing and willingness to eat garbage are sure to make them desirable roommates. Additionally, Dr. Gabernunzy recommends that students off the meal plan supplement their diet with the tender flesh of any unruly or recalcitrant pigeons. “With any luck this potential threat will motivate the little guys to work harder!” said the doctor, already making new, intelligent-looking calculations on a chalkboard.

Many students have already toured the new residence hall and have shown interest in living there next year. “Well, the cages aren’t very well furnished, and everything is still ingrained with bird poop, but these cages will be a lot nicer to live in than the shoe box I slept in last year,” says senior Whitman student Brett Columbiday gazing happily at his home to be. “Finally, a place I can call home on a student budget. Maybe this year I’ll be able to afford all my textbooks!”

Each 2’x 2’ cage comes with a piece of newspaper on the floor, a ball for pecking, and an attached water dispenser. The new residence hall, to be named the Nest, will feature Dr. Gabernunzy as Resident Director. If interested, sign up early; spots are filling up fast.