Due to excessive confusion among the student body, the Whitman improv group Varsity Nordic has been given an ultimatum: to change their name to something more befitting to an improv group or to start living up to their current name and begin cross country skiing.

The Dean of Students has given the wayward improv group until the end of the week to become “an actual D1 level ski team” or change their name “to something like ‘Varsity Sweets,’ ‘First Rate Curling,’ or ‘Top Notch Equestrian Vaulting,’ you know, something really improv-y.” However, Varsity Nordic has shown no indication of adding a sport to their repertoire nor of thinking of a new, less spiteful team name.

This confusing name selection was no mere accident. Varsity Nordic team member Floppyhair McFly admits that the name comes from a deliberate and malicious attempt to confuse people. “I just like watching the world burn,” he said, grinning dangerously and tossing a knife from hand to hand to indicate his delinquent tendencies.

This awful malevolence has had its intended effect on the people of Whitman. In the most recent round of Varsity Nordic tryouts, every one of the applicants arrived with skis and poles and were brutally disappointed to discover they would instead be playing games and practicing saying yes to new ideas. One of the hopefuls left in tears, muttering “Why would they do something like this?” According to sources, the members of Varsity Nordic were smiling smugly and exulting in the crushed dreams of all of the people they deceived.

People go to their poorly-publicized, late-night shows at Maxey or Hunter with hopes of seeing stunning examples of wintertime outdoor athleticism, but are brutally disappointed when they discover the painful truth: Varsity Nordic is nothing but an improv group.

“This bullying has gone on for too long,” stated ASWC representative Pratfall Snollygaster. “We already have too much confusion in our lives, what with pondering about how bees can fly, how ducks are so buoyant, and how leap years even work. Nobody has time for wondering about Varsity Nordic. Who are they? Where do they perform? And when? Nobody knows!”

Varsity Nordic member Petite Gardyloo organized a protest against the ultimatum on the steps of Penrose, giving out hand-painted signs that said things including “Names are a spectrum” and “Shake off the norms of labels.” When asked about her opinion on the ultimatum, Gardyloo coughed, growled “Ain’t nothin’ gonna come from it,” in a low rasping voice, and spat on the ground. She then led a rally amongst the students. “Our name, our choice! Don’t shame our voice!” At press time, they were still chanting.