Student unable to confidently add to class discussion

Ben Freedman

According to numerous reports across campus, many Whitman students are unable to contribute in class without first conceding that everything they say they might be completely incorrect. Joseph Beacon-Stanley, a sophomore known to fall victim to spineless contributions to class discussion, volunteered to defend his methods.

Preceding whatever he says in class with “I might be wrong,” or “I just have a few thoughts that could totally be off base,” Beacon-Stanley epitomizes the recent rise of convictionless class comments. “It’s really nice to from-the-start relinquish all emotional burden from whatever I say in class,” said Beacon-Stanley. “Even if I’m confident my idea is right, I throw in my irresolute disclaimer so people think I’m really grasping for a nice cutting edge addition to the conversation.”

Although it remains undecided where this issue stems from, many think the student’s parents are responsible. “Why not? Lack of decisiveness apparently runs in the family,” joked a classmate. “His parents settled on a [expletive] hyphenated last name.”

Fred Fredericks, chair of the Sociology department, still fondly remembers the bold nature of class discussions years ago, and offered new insight into the faculty’s perspective on this phenomenon.

“Back then, kids wouldn’t think twice about confidently offering unsubstantiated claims in my class. Crushing their feeble attempts at insight and depraved sense of self worth was almost too easy,” cooed Fredericks. “Now I can’t even verbally attack one knock-kneed freshman noob without being the bad guy. It’s a goddamn outrage.”

A former friend of Beacon-Stanley added that his obnoxious traits continued into other walks of life, including minimally committing to hanging out and sending vague text messages such as, “I definitely will try to come,” or “I’ll probably make it,” before inevitably not kickin’ it.

With his closing interview statement, Fredericks spoke the mind of all those involved, admitting, “the kid’s kinda just soft.”