New Wing of Hell Opens for Whitman Quiet Room Offenders

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor editor

Officials in Hell have unveiled a new wing of the Underworld designed specifically for people who accidentally make noise in the quiet room. The expansion comes as part of a joint effort between Satan and the Whitman Dean of Students Office, who noticed the startling lack of punishment for students who disrupt the quiet room’s intellectual rigor with a misplaced cough or a wayward backpack zipper.

Said Dean of Students Cluck Cheveland, “Student academic success is a top priority here at Whitman College. We’re excited to have been able to partner with the Devil to combat a real problem on this campus. Noise in the quiet room just isn’t conducive to student learning. With the opening of a special place in Hell for people who turn the pages of their Biology textbook too loudly, our student body can rest assured that those responsible for such distracting noise will suffer until the end of time, as they should.”

When reached for comment, Lucifer had this to say: “Hell has long been a place for the most notorious members of society. Our eternal fires host the likes of depraved murderers, thieves, and adulterers.  But when we conducted an internal audit a while back, we noticed that we had forgotten to add a level for the worst sinners of all – those annoying people in the quiet room. After we realized our oversight, we immediately starting creating a section of Hell designed specifically for them. And let me tell you, this new section of Hell is our cruelest punishment to date.”

Added an increasingly agitated Fallen Angel, “I mean, for God’s sake, we’ve got Al Capone in here, and all he has to sit through is a never-ending Nickelback playlist. We knew that we had to do something bigger and better to properly punish these disgusting quiet room offenders.”

An initial list of people who will end up in Hell’s quiet room includes “the girl who can’t stop tapping her feet,” “the first-year who didn’t silence his phone,” and “that guy who blows his nose and shrugs apologetically, like it’s not a fucking big deal, asshole.”

Instead of the more traditional burning flames of damnation, those condemned will have to sit in a replica quiet room, forever enduring the judgmental glares of Whitman quiet room residents. In fact, senior thesis students, as well as all habitual procrastinators, can receive course credit if they work in the new section of Hell. The Registrar’s office has confirmed that “Pretension 105: The Condescending Glare” will be offered next semester. Interested students are encouraged to contact Satan at 666-666-6666, as spots in the class are expected to fill up quickly. On an unrelated note, Pretension 105 can be elected for philosophy major credit. Please direct all questions to the Registrar.