New frat arrives

Callie Brown

In light of recent events, Whitman College has decided to make a new fraternity solely for prospective students. It will be named Sigma Upsilon Kappa (otherwise known as SUK) and will only allow prospective students to join as members. What could possibly be the reason for this new fraternity?

Well, as recently witnessed by partygoers for the last couple of weekends, the new prospective students are in a league of their own. Look left, see them sprint across the frat lawn wearing nothing but their shoes. Look right, see them puking in the corner and then looking around and pretending like no one saw. You thought they were here to tour the school? You’re mistaken. They are here to give a whole new meaning to the words “prospective student.”

They are here to redefine what is means to be on campus when you don’t actually go here. They are here to defy expectations and to show that no, you don’t have to be invited to show up to the party. The new chapter will be setting up camp in a yurt in between Tau Kappa Epsilon and Phi Delta Theta. Why a yurt? Well, as a prospective student told me while eating pineapple on the tire swing last night, “Never ask why.” My advice? Really take those words to heart in the next few weeks.

Let’s be honest, with finals approaching, people are bound to do some weird shit. But as I watched the fresh faces throwing down last night, I was reminded how quickly time flies. It seems like only yesterday that the ’80s dance was upon us. Remember those way-too-tight neon leggings? Remember all those way-too-drunk first-years? Yes, those were the days. Looking at the future of Whitman College, I wanted to reach out to those new kids, to tell them all the lessons I have learned. Like, don’t be those weird kids at the party who don’t know anyone, but hey, looks like they already are learning that, right? I guess I could have given them the down-low on Encounters (while it may be tempting, it will be awkward when you have to walk into class on Monday), but really aren’t the best lessons learned from experience?

And let me tell you, those kids were really dipping their feet into the experience pool. I guess what I am saying is you do you, prospies. It seemed like you were having the most fun at the party, and I really hope that you didn’t fall off that tire swing because that would be embarrassing.