Illustration by Catalina Burch.
The sun has once again blessed us with its presence, and like many before us, we have all begun worshipping the sun gods. As Whitties, this means that everyone has already whipped off their shirts and is hanging out on Ankeny Field. The ladies and gents are all preparing themselves for the inevitable: the naked mile. Slowly but surely, article by article, the clothes are coming off. Ankeny as it once was (a mud pit, for those of you who don’t remember) has turned into something wholly different: Skankeny. The Whitties we once knew, flannel clad and hot coffee in hand, have all disappeared. Instead, Whitman has become populated by a new tribe. These creatures smile and sleep, two things previously unheard of. They lazily hold up their textbooks, pretending like it is actually possible that they are doing work (although really not fooling anyone). Most importantly, though, this new species lacks one major thing: clothing.
What is to blame for this overwhelming amount of skin being shown at such a low temperature? It is barely 60 degrees outside, people! One explanation could be lack of Vitamin D –– insert penis joke here. Quite possibly people are thinking of their bodies as solar panels; the more square footage of skin, the more recharged they will get. I think this one can be clearly expressed in the skin vs. skin game of Ultimate Frisbee being played right now –– all shirts have been clearly banned. I also think I just saw a naked dude do a backflip! Maybe there’s some truth to this explanation?! Pretty soon we will all have developed so-called superpowers like waking up without coffee. It will be madness.
Another harbinger of this new skin regime is the fact that all Whitties are incredibly humble. We wouldn’t come right out and say how downright good looking we are; therefore, we have just have to show it. I mean, one of our main appeals is that we are an athletic school, and really this is the first time that we have been able to show off our hot bods this semester. We wouldn’t want everyone to forget just how good looking we are, right? Who cares that you might get frostbite? Those freshly toned abs deserve to be seen!
There’s also the fact that we are an outdoorsy bunch. We have begun egging each other on in more ways than one. You see that guy over there? He’s wearing one less layer than you. What are you going to do? One up him. Who will be the biggest mountain man (or woman) of them all? Tune in to find out. In a Katniss Everdeen-style battle, we will find out, once and for all, who will win the post-naked mile deathmatch.
I predict that pretty soon we should just blast “Hot in Here” by Nelly on repeat because it’s practically becoming a strip tease out here. What are the consequences of these actions? I predict that it will result in a rather red-looking bunch of white kids. (In other words, lather up that sunscreen, folks). I think we will also see an increase of people at the gym. Gotta keep it tight, am I right? I’m hoping that there will also be some slow-motion Baywatch-esque running across Ankeny, but I’m trying not to set my expectations too high for this spring.
Finally, as happens every year, all of this nakedness will culminate in the giant orgy. See you in the exact center of the field at the stroke of midnight. Be there or be celibate.
