Thursday November 13th
Whitman’s first snowfall.
All of the children are happy.
The ignorant Whitman students do not know the truth.
Around the end of October and beginning of November, Walla Walla’s temperature drops below freezing. This is a big hassle for the Washington State Penitentiary, forcing heating costs to rise above 200 million dollars per month. By spending this money, the penitentiary provides a room temperature (69 degrees celsius of course, no fuck you) atmosphere around the entire penitentiary during the winter months. However, the penitentiary has decided to cut costs due to Obama’s Health Care and rising gas prices. Thanks, Obama. On a different note, they now spend the amount that Whitman disburses to students with heavy need-based financial aid, so about 5,000 dollars (merit-based financial aid ends up to be around 26,000 per year). These students end up not being able to attend Whitman because their parents cannot afford it. However, this doesn’t matter because Whitman students don’t know about it or care about these students. Diversity is expensive and Whitman College is above diversity. Cheap, cheap, cheap prices. None of that expensive European shit.
So with the penitentiary putting little money into the heating system, inmates start getting really cold. Since I know science, especially heat and temperature because I am a triple Ph.D. in heat dynamics, human heat physiology and snail toe physics, cold causes strange things to happen to people’s bodies and snail toes. Goose Bumps and muscle frigidity disturbs women’s ability to have orgasms (Britannica.com). Thanks, Obama. Naturally, the females and they get angry and pissed off, leading to “cat fights.” Disturbingly enough, the penitentiary actually brings in feral cats and lets inmates pick a winner. This usually ends with both cats dying from the women beating them senseless after the match and a couple older inmates having a heart attack because of the horrible sounds. The male inmates then get pissed off because they don’t get equal treatment. They make weapons and LARP (Live Attacking Redneck Prisoners). LARPing consists of the males breaking out of their cells and, with their makeshift weapons, going on a free-for-all killing spree. Usually the LARPing ends with the guards throwing tear gas and smoke grenades to suppress the inmates in a humane way as to not injure any of the inmates.
After the dead bodies have been collected, the guards usually sit in a room silent and respectfully to honor the dead. Then, one more pass is made through the penitentiary to collect more dead bodies. These bodies are usually older inmates dying from the frigid cold inside the penitentiary. Thanks, Obama.When all the bodies have been collected, the guards and management do another honoring of the dead. Obama doesn’t show up for this and no national news crew comes to film the ceremony. I guess people don’t care about anything anymore. Next, the deaths are recorded in a database that sits in the cloud at some facility in the middle of Arizona because what else does Arizona have worthy to put in it. That place is a shithole. Who would want to live in a desert and in the middle of nowhere? I guess they have rocks but rocks don’t count as people.
The guards haul the bodies over to their heating sources. To make the inmates happier after the deaths, each dead body is thrown into the heater. The temperature of the entire penitentiary rises by 15 degrees Celsius to make it a solid 19 degrees Celsius, allowing for the inmates to survive for the rest of the winter season. So for a dozen lives lost, a couple ten thousand lives are saved. Give some to receive some. Or in the case of the penitentiary, burn some bodies to heat the jail cause no one wants to be cold for long, especially Whitman students. I see them booking across campus like jack rabbits with rabies chasing a little child named Reed.
(I fucking HATE jack rabbits and I hate rabies even more.)
When each person is burned, their ashes end up leaving the heating tower and Walla Walla gets its “snowfall.” The Whitman students celebrate the snowfall while the real truth hides on the outskirts of town. The children roll up ashballs and throw them at each other. Little do they know they are throwing fully grown human remains at each other. It’s quite impressive when you think about. The ashes help the farmers by giving the wheat fields and vineyards lots of fresh nutrients. The best part is watching a Whitman student dance around to “Shake It Off” while catching the ashes in their mouth. Such a joyful sight to see such happiness with all the death. What a wonderful world, Obama. A truly wonderful world.
Ignorance really is bliss.
