Last week, the Pioneer did some squats at the gym with some of Whitman’s most eccentric athletes to talk about their seasons and hobbies. These are their stories…

Dirk “The Steamroller” Murphy (Ultimate)
How is your season going?
“It’s pretty sweet as usual. Get it. Sweets,” *laughter*
What are your hobbies?

“I adore camping in Penrose Library.  If you roll the shelves in the basement against each other, you can make a little cubby to sleep in. People are so into camping outside, but I’m like, there’s a 24/7 library guys. My record is four days in which I survived off mixed nuts and espresso from the Penrose Cafe. Stop by my cubby sometime in the freshwater amphibian journals section, it gets lonely.”

Brit Olsen (XC)

How is your season going, more importantly, what is your mile time?

“My mile time? How should I know. I haven’t run just one mile in a few years at least. For example, running the 20 sum miles to Waitsburg and back is a typical pre race warm-up for me. I also try to consume a few pots of pasta, a loaf of garlic bread and a gallon of chocolate milk 15 minutes before this warm-up so I have plenty of energy to sustain me after through my warm-up and my race.” What are your hobbies outside of XC?

“I love staring down the turtles in the science building. It’s an empowering feeling. I also sell used mobile phones out of my garage. They’re Cartel quality, trust me. Tell a friend to tell a friend to stop by and get one. Be discreet if you do stop by though because my garage is also full of bottled water and I don’t want ASWC and the sustainability vigilantes to firebomb it.”

Patricia Donald (Soccer)
How is your season going?
“It’s been a roller coaster but I think the team has come together and become one #squad. Don’t confuse us with every other #squad on social media.”
What are your hobbies?

“I play in a reggae band. We love to play around campus and have played at some of the most prestigious venues, including the Sherwood Gym and the Taquería on Isaacs. All our concerts are standing room only. I am actually trying to do the reggae music major track but the smoking a joint a day major requirement is just not my style so I may have to switch to the Geology major where drug use is optional.”

Burton Reeves (Chess)

How is your season going?

“I still haven’t made any of my opponents cry so not good. I am the only person on the Chess Team so we have a really strong, unified and handsome team this year though. We had some trouble with regulations after a member, whose name I won’t mention, bit a referee and gave him rabies. Didn’t even know I had the virus till they found it in the ref.”
What are your hobbies?

“I volunteer with a nonprofit that brings laser tag and energy drinks to underprivileged kids.”

Scooter Goldman (Tennis)
Is your season going well? “Hell ya brother, it’s going really well. We are hoping to expand the team and bring in 10 more Freshman next year so we need more indoor heated tennis courts. We started an alumni fundraising event for the courts and so last summer the coached leased all of us out to work for alumni. I worked on an olive farm in Upstate NY. It was pretty weird. But Whitman is using the donations to build 5 new indoor courts that will cover half of Ankeny, so it was worth it.”

What do you do outside of Tennis? “I adapt children’s books into soft core pornography scripts and then post them on the internet so producers can use them.”

Joseph Wood is a pseudonym.