As the school year slowly winds down, senior Whitties are becoming increasingly excited about graduation.

“I have been waiting for this moment for a very long time. I can’t wait to see what the real world holds for me and for my peers. I am going to change the world!” said super-senior Alex Bates.

Numerous other seniors, including biology major Yanny Crandall shared this sentiment.

“I just can’t wait to experience the real world and be free to pursue my career,” said Crandall.

At the neighboring Odd Fellows Home, however, seniors are far less thrilled about the prospect of graduating. Yes, there will be plenty of flower arrangements, and everyone will wear their best black (robes) to the ceremony, but the air of excitement is decidedly absent. Coordinator of Odd Fellows Home Rica Tandel even confirmed that Odd Fellows Home will no longer be serving alcohol at the post-graduation wakes.

“It just felt disrespectful to our recent grads. We do hope that this will not deter residents from coming to the ceremonies,” said Tandel.

When asked about their post-graduation plans, senior citizens were fairly ambivalent.

“Honestly, I am sick and tired of everyone asking me about my post-grad plans, but if I have to choose I’ll probably go with cremation,” said longtime Odd Fellows Home resident Gertrude Kadinsky.

“I don’t know. I just want it to be kind of mellow since I’ve been working so hard for the past four years here. I want some peace,” said fellow resident Andy Kilbourne.

Newer resident Janice Smirf was less optimistic.

“I feel like I haven’t really learned enough here to be prepared for post-graduation. I don’t know if all the money I spent to go to Odd Fellows was worth it––what with all of the debt I had to go into. At least I met some new people who I will never forget,” she said.

Smirf graduated immediately after speaking with The Pioneer. Her final words were full of inspirational advice for newcomers to the Odd Fellows Home.

With her eyes flickering shut and her heartbeat slowing down, Smirf wheezed.

“Don’t be afraid to take chances and meet new people––you only have a little time left until your life as you know it is over. Also, if you want extra painkillers, talk to Rosy on the second floor. If she graduates, then talk to Fanny.”

Congratulations to the Odd Fellows Home class of 2014!