Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 3
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Obama Protests Putin’s Anti-Gay Legislation, Adds American Football to Olympic Games

In light of the recent controversy surrounding Russian President Vladimir Putin’s homophobic policies, President Obama decided to add the Super Bowl to the 2014 Olympic line up without consulting the International Olympic Committee. Critics condemned the move as a desperate act of patriotism. Obama refuted these claims, however, stating that the decision was a noble act of nonviolent protest.

Olympic athlete Shauna Lopez supported Obama’s decision.

“What better way to protest Putin and celebrate homosexuality than by watching men in tights tackle each other?” she said.

Whitman College first-year James Sox, a devoted Denver Broncos fan, agreed.

“American football has always promoted a culture of acceptance. From the irreparable head injuries to the spray-tanned cheerleaders, football is essentially a symbol of unconditional love and freedom. Frankly, I’m puzzled as to why the International Olympic Committee is so upset. They should be thanking us,” he said.

When questioned about the controversy surrounding Rutgers cornerback Jevon Tyree, who quit his football team earlier this year due to bullying, Sox dismissed the case as a simple mix up.

“There has never been any culture of homophobia, racism or sexism in football, and there never will be. This case of ‘bullying,’ as you call it, was a complete misunderstanding,” said Sox.

American citizens also applauded President Obama’s decision. A recent poll showed that 98 percent of Americans view the Super Bowl as the most progressive television program of the year, citing GoDaddy’s 2013 Super Bowl commercial as an excellent representation of unconventional gender roles.

Professor Miles Roger was not surprised by Americans’ positive responses.

“Football fosters a culture of equality. The men can sit on the couch and watch other powerful men play sports for hours while the women can cook for them and be inspired by the sexy cheerleaders that are featured for a few minutes. I hope that this television program, which obviously condemns heteronormativity and supports equality, will help convince Putin to change his conservative policies,” said Roger.

Though the International Olympic Committee refused to recognize the Super Bowl as a formal part of the 2014 Winter Olympics, Americans were not deterred. A makeshift torch was passed around the football field while drunken Broncos and Seahawks fans donned a rainbow of red, white and blue in order to support the cause.

“If we can bring two American sports teams together in their love for equality and light beer, then the possibilities are really endless. Adding the Super Bowl to the Olympics shows Putin that Americans will not accept his derogatory policies,” said Jane Young, president of the Whitman Progressives Club.

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