Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Overweight Man in Red Burglarizes Home During Holidays, Traumatizes Family

“I just feel lucky to be alive,” said Mitch Goldberg in light of the recent burglary of his Walla Walla home.

On the night of Dec. 24, a corpulent man in red invaded the home of Goldberg and his wife, Anna Goldberg. They described the night of the incident in vivid detail.

“I had called my daughter earlier that evening to pester her about when she’s getting married––she’s almost thirty! Then we had this nice dinner and watched some ‘Seinfeld’ reruns before we went to bed,” said Anna Goldberg.

It wasn’t long before they awoke to the sound of jingling bells followed by a loud crash coming from downstairs. What awaited them was a disturbing scene.

“He was this pretty big guy with a white beard dancing around our living room and scattering coal everywhere. When he saw us, he shouted ‘Ho, ho, ho!’ in this sort of jolly way, which makes me think that he’s probably a psychopath. What kind of man comes into someone’s home and insults them while smiling? Then Mitch punched him to defend my honor,” said Anna Goldberg.

The police arrived promptly and broke up the fight. Before being detained, however, the suspect attempted to escape. Head of Police Sandra Thompson recalled the intense chase that ensued.

“Before we were able to detain the suspect, he fled to his getaway sled. We could hear the suspect laughing all the way as we dashed through the snow after his open sleigh. After pursuing him for approximately 50 minutes, we overtook his vehicle. I think it’s safe to assume that he’s a seasoned criminal,” said Thompson.

Though the suspect initially resisted authorities, after hours of extensive interrogation he revealed his identity: Kris Kringle. Kringle claimed that he was unaware that the Goldbergs did not celebrate Christmas, citing the pine tree and the white twinkle lights in their front yard.

“I went down their chimney to spread some Christmas cheer, and they didn’t leave any milk or cookies for me. All I could find were these latkes and rugelach! So I got angry and put them on the naughty list,” said Kringle.

Despite the suspect’s purported confusion, the Goldbergs still insist on pressing charges.

“The next time he makes one of his lists, he better check it twice!” said Mitch Goldberg.

Officials are also investigating allegations that Kringle has violated child labor laws. Kringle refutes the allegations, though, claiming that he only employs adult elves.

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