I know that I’m not the only student who suffers from a lack of dates. Is it too much to ask? Girl just wants some dates on a Friday night, maybe with dinner or a movie. I’d even like a date or two at Pioneer Park. But it’s come to my attention that here on campus, dates are hard to find.

I try to get them in the dining hall, in the library, at lectures. Trust me, I’ve even tried my luck on the far side of Isaacs Avenue, but there were no dates to be found!

I’ve tried the direct route and asked someone I liked for dates. They just got all weird about it. They say they’re too busy for dates. Like it’s really that hard to share a date or two?

Dates are proven to be healthy for you. Dates drastically improve your life in every way. Why is it that everyone is so against them here?

I’ve had to resort to getting dates at Safeway. Yes, it’s true. I’m not ashamed. You just have to know where to find them. (Near the raisins in the produce section.)

But, my fellow students, why must we be forced to live on a dateless campus? I would settle for some plums, or maybe some craisins, but I know that what every student really wants is dates. Let’s work together to end this dried-fruit desert we call a campus. Fill out a Bon App comment card, throw a dates-themed party, go date-fairy in the library. It’s up to us to make dates available for every student.