Aries- Your plans to get Cheetos from the vending machine are foiled when you discover, much to your chagrin, that you have only 80 cents to your name and that item in B5 costs $1.50.

Taurus- On your next trip to Goodwill, you will become mysteriously compelled to buy a VCR only for the purpose of inserting a PB&J into it to reminisce about your ’90s childhood.

Gemini- Your new coffee thermos is so large that next week it will cause you to feel as though it is constantly refilling itself. Finally, life is complete.

Cancer- Hanging out with your new meteorologist friend later this week will make you feel like you are trapped in constant smalltalk because all he ever brings up in conversation is the weather.

Leo- You begin to feel like some sort of Richard Simmons after you bring in a fitness ball to use at your desk rather than a chair. Fit all day.

Virgo- You will become obsessed with Carole King after waiting in the dentist’s office room too long, causing people to believe you hit a time bomb to the ’70s. They’re worried your sky is tumbling down and it’s too late to fix.

Libra- You lose sanity next week when the song “Cruise” by Florida Georgia Line comes on every time you get in the car, including on the hip-hop and classical radio stations. What is this insanity?!

Scorpio- You express emotion toward your high school enemies this Saturday when you dig up your old yearbook and proceed to draw mustaches on all the people you didn’t like.

Sagittarius- This week, the geography nerd in you will face the uncomfortable realization that you can never get your kicks because old Route 66 no longer exists as a continuous road entity.

Capricorn- Next Tuesday, you’ll be struck with the insight that the name of your favorite rapper and state are one in the same. It’s all about the Flo-rida.

Aquarius- They say those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind, but your boss definitely will mind that you’re three hours late to work on Friday.

Pisces- You are unsurprised to find out that, yes, your ex is still crazy after all these years.