Things Whitman NEEDS to Change

Tabor Martinsen

Illustration by Marlee Raible
Illustration by Marlee Raible

For all of its wonderful oddities and idiosyncrasies, Whitman College definitely has a few things it needs to change ASAP. Whether it’s because they confuse students, make them scared, annoy them or cause people to say “DA FUCK?”, these aspects of Whitman are almost as frustrating and bothersome as Kayvon’s fake laugh.

1) The doors at Reid Campus Center with the opposite side hinges: You’re having what you think is a great lunch at Reid and decide to wander over to flirt with the student working the front desk. After successfully charming him/her up, you “peace out” at the perfect time and don’t look back as you head for the glass doors that face Cordiner Hall. Just when you’re feeling as cool as the other side of the pillow, it happens. Every time, like clockwork. The happy-go-lucky pop in your step is instantly sucked away by a simple door. But how can anyone blame you? Even when you’re sure that you remember being on the other side, you still run into the middle of the first door on your way out. The embarrassment you feel, combined with the pain on your stomach from awkwardly jabbing it onto the door handle, forces you to make an oath never to accidentally choose the wrong side again. And then the same thing happens next week, no matter how hard you try to avoid it.

2) The library floors: It’s finals week and you have to meet with your group before the presentation tomorrow. Everyone only had 30 minutes tops to go over material and practice so time is of the essence. You all agree to meet on the first floor at the group study tables. Yet when you get there, nobody else is there. You patiently wait for five to 10 minutes and then decide to call them to confirm the time and location, to which the rest of the group answers that they are at said location and have been studying for the last 15 minutes. You are confused as to how your entire group became delusional and was unable to find the agreed study spot when you realize that you are on the second (main) floor of the library. Classic Whitman mistake, but one that causes a great deal of unneeded stress to your finals week and one that makes you ask when there will be a unanimous agreement of the library levels.

3) The creepy guy who always checks out girls’ Facebook profiles on the downstairs computers at Reid: You know him well; we all do. He’s the little, balding older man that slightly resembles the old-looking (but young in age? Gah, too confusing) Benjamin Button who, when not working as a Bon Appétit janitor, spends the majority (read: ALL) of his time on the PUBLIC computers in the basement of Reid. “Maybe he just can’t afford his own computer and is using an available resources to do work, you asswipe, so mind your own business,” is what you initially think to yourself. But then you see his terribly inefficient way of typing with two fingers while he looks at the keys and then back up to squint at the screen. You start to think, “Huh, he seems to have a Facebook account that’s actually pretty funn––HOLD UP. Are those younger girls’ pictures that he is staring at from fewer than three inches away? And what’s with the note pad that he keeps pulling out to scribble notes or names down on? OH GAWD. My Creeper Beeper is going off like crazy! Someone needs to say something to him!” And yet, you don’t. Nor does anyone else, for that matter. And the creeping continues day after day. When will this madness be put to an end?