Backpage Stages Coup of the Pio

Kyle Seasly

Last night, on the last production night of the year, the Backpage finally thwarted communism once and for all. Assisted by CIA agents and various members of a dogfighting ring, the Backpage staff members successfully staged a coup against the left-leaning “communist” senior Rachel Alexander and installed junior Shelly Le as the new “editor-in-chief” of The Pioneer. The members began to plan the coup after Rachel proposed “land reform” in the Pio office during an all-staff meeting.

“I don’t even know what that means,” commented sophomore Tabor Martinsen, “and I certainly can’t make a top three list about it.”

Tensions grew as Alexander refused to buy members of the Backpage pizza and beer whenever they wanted. That’s when rumors began to circulate that Alexander was a dirty commie bastard. She denied these claims almost instantly.

“Yes, I am a communist. I am a feminist politics major at a small liberal arts school. Is that weird or something? Half this campus is communist.” Backpage editor sophomore Kyle Seasly began to collaborate with members of the CIA and informed them that a leftover KGB agent could be posing as a 22-year-old woman. The CIA informed Seasly that was impossible, but decided to help overthrow Alexander anyway. At midnight on May 1, the coup began.

Unfortunately, Seasly was run over by a tractor in the crossfire.

“It was certainly a tragedy, what happened to Kyle,” commented Backpage writer junior Tristan Gavin. “That’s why I’m going to be writing a comedy about it in the fall.”

The reasons behind the coup became clear in an exclusive Skype interview with President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden.

Biden stated, “Alexander was a communist, plain and simple. Le, Le will be good. She’s much more stable, and simply not a communist.”

The head of the CIA assistance operation to overthrow Alexander was a man whose codename was “Brett Lerooo.” He declined to comment.