Unusual New Changes to Greekend

Tabor Martinsen

Illustration by Emily Jones
Illustration by Emily Jones

The weekend of Greekend is upon us. That means debauchery, shenanigans, regrets and whole lot of things that sound cool in theory but don’t quite live up to their high expectations. To help change that image, the students in charge of organizing Greekend have decided to implement a few different activities to freshen things up.
1) Instead of the traditional dance competition between the first-years of each Greek fraternity and women’s fraternity, this year first-years from each Greek chapter will choose two partners to try and pick up a coconut and kiss it … without using their hands. And yes, butt-clenching has been an approved tactic.
2) Hot dog contests are controversial, gross and now a thing of the past. Not only is it a wasteful contest, but it also disregards vegans and vegetarians. To make the contest more equal and inclusive, this year the hot dogs will be replaced by wheatgrass. Contestants must eat or drink as much wheatgrass as they can in five minutes to win. Another important addition to this contest is the “Beauty, Grace and Style” award which is given to the contestant that looks the happiest while eating wheatgrass.
3) In past years, Barefoot Formal has led to many a scandalous and forgettable night. To prevent this from happening again, a more hygienic and safe event has replaced Barefoot Formal and it even has a catchier name: Blind-hand Dance. This event will begin with every attendee standing facing inwards in a large circle under the tented area. They will be asked to close their eyes, stick their hands out and walk forward until they touch another person’s hand. That person is now their one and only dance partner for the night. In this way, there is equality and fairness for even the less “outgoing” people who still want to have a good time.
4) By far the biggest change to this year’s Greekend is the dramatic, emotional, some might even go so far as to say stupid/childish/hilarious/immature change to the women’s fraternity football games. This year, keeping with the fun, fair and equal-for-all theme, women’s fraternities will have teams that will be decided based on attractiveness. It may seem ridiculous or catty, but it is important to keep in mind that students in the Greek system are prone to being overemotional, superficial and self-indulgent, so in other words, not much different from Tristan Gavin’s articles.