5 Reasons Why Whitman Is Turning into North Korea

Tabor Martinsen

Like countless other Whitman students, I have stumbled upon some disturbingly similar connections between our college and our worst (but admittedly somewhat cute) enemies: the North Koreans. At first, it appears like nothing more than a coincidence, but all too quickly it is becoming quite clear that Whitman is slowly morphing into an isolated piece of land where we are all made to enjoy working 19-hour shifts at the physical plant and then given our dried fish ration for dinner and a combination of repressed emotions and quiet desperation for dessert. Yum!

1) The late Kim Jong Il and his successor Teletubby-son, Kim Jong Un, were born with abnormally large bowling ball heads, just like the leader of Whitman College … George Bridges!

2) Whitman is constantly brainwashing students into thinking outrageous propaganda such as “Whitman is unpretentious,” “Don’t worry! It’s sunny 300 days a year here” and ridiculous posters that make unsubstantiated claims like how “Only 31% of Whitties drink on the weekends,” etc., and the scary part is, just like our sad and ignorant North Korean citizens, we students are falling for everything that our oppressive administration is telling us!

3) Whitman is literally paying actors to attend school events and make us believe that there are other happy people outside of the campus. For instance, have you ever noticed how all of the people that attend a lecture or go to an event in Cordiner Hall seem too complacent and content? That’s because they are all alumni that have been misled into believing that the college has made them happy and they want to return in exchange for large amounts of our money that the administration is paying them to appear that way!

4) As the days, weeks, months and finally years go by, all of our food starts to look and taste the same. We are unable to differentiate what good food used to taste like and are duped into believing that the dining halls and Reid Campus Center are providing healthy, yummy “options.” The effect is similar to that of when you walk into a room that smells like a rotting banana, but after being forced to stay in the room for two years, not only have you become used to the smell, but also fail to recall any smell other than the one in the room (i.e. Bon Appétit “food”).

5) Groups of students that are invited to the President’s (read: Dictator’s) house are not allowed to speak of what happened and oftentimes can’t remember what happened. They normally brush the subject off with an “Oh, you know, it was nothing but a thing.” These are outdated phrases only a Marxist nation/college would use because we are too far behind the pop cultures of the developing worlds!