Whitman Republican Tarred and Feathered

Kyle Seasly

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Last Sunday evening, sophomore Harvey Riley was coming home from youth group when he was stopped by an angry mob. The mob, led by the self-proclaimed vegan, communist, medical marijuana advocate, gluten-free dieter, raging feminist, and former JV badminton player Jessica Partridge, confronted Riley because of his political views.

Riley is known around campus for his conservative views and belief in states’ rights.

“The 10th Amendment is a total joke!” joked Riley in an exclusive interview with the Backpage. Riley is also a devout Christian, attends church weekly and volunteers at a local shelter in his free time.

“It’s all for the J man upstairs. Love you, big guy,” said Riley.

Yet, according to Riley, this mob, led by Partridge, was out to get him.

“We are sick of your militant attitude!” Partridge yelled at Riley while threatening him with a pitchfork. The mob then proceeded to tie Riley up while Riley wondered where one would actually get a pitchfork. They then proceeded to pour “fair-trade, organic and ethical” tar all over his body. After that they had “hand-plucked and free range” dove feathers poured all over his body.

“This ought to show you a lesson. We’re sick of your discriminating attitude. People can have different beliefs from you, but you don’t seem to respect that. The Americans used to do this to British soldiers to show them who’s boss. Now we’re doing it to you,” harangued Partridge. The mob threw their hands in the air and rejoiced. Partridge removed her Forever 21 sweater produced by sweatshop workers in Malaysia and was about to apply the final feather when a call from her father, a board member of J.P. Morgan, interrupted her. Apparently the shipment that she requested of the latest Anthropologie clothes had been delayed because of a fire that killed 36 workers in Vietnam.

“Ugh, Daddy! I need those if I’m going to look fierce for my presentation on veganism at the Whitman Undergraduate Conference!” screamed Partridge at her father.

While she was talking to her father, Riley managed to escape.

“I just got home and prayed. I mean, it was pretty embarrassing for a while. People started calling me Harvey Birdman, but I guess that’s pretty funny,” he said.

Partridge’s only comment was that “[Riley] deserved it. He doesn’t respect people who are different. “